Posted by: Arden Compton | July 6, 2009

Pornography addiction – helping the wife.

One of the casualties’ of pornography addiction is the damage it causes in the marriage and other significant relationships.  The wife or significant other usually feels betrayed, hurt, anger, lack of trust, and similar emotions.  This is completely understandable and not to be criticized. However, these emotions can drag on for years and never get better. They can interfere with the healing of a relationship that still has the potential to heal and over time become a truly healthy relationship. These emotions sometimes contribute to a pornography addict relapsing and going back to pornography.  It is in the best interest of the addicts wife to be able to let go of the hurt inflicted by the actions of the addict.  This puts the wife in the better position to see the situation clearly and make the most appropriate decisions.  EFT is ideally suited to addresses these emotions and helping the wife to regain peace of mind. I also lead the wife through the Christ centered visualization that I use with guilt, to give the burden of the hurt and betrayal to Christ.

It is usually assumed that it will take a long time to let go of the hurt and heal.  However, with EFT and God’s help, it doesn’t have to take a long time. A person can heal as quickly as a person is willing to let go. It is very common for there to be resistance to letting go. Many of the reasons for not letting go are:

I would be letting him get away with it

He needs to understand how much he has hurt me

To show him just how wrong he was

It just hurt too deeply, I can’t simply let go of it

I can’t let go of it until he hurts as much as I do

I can’t let go of it until I know he has completely changed

All of these reasons lead a person to suffer much longer than needed.  With EFT we can put these reasons into set-up statements (if you don’t know what that means, review the tabs at the top of the page for an explanation of how EFT works) and tap them out. Relatively quickly I find the wives of these men have been willing to let go of the hurt, the betrayal, and forgive their husband. This does not mean everything is peachy and there are no more concerns, it means the wife is no longer suffering from what the husband did, she is in a position to heal. It does not mean she automatically trusts him; the trust is something that must be rebuilt over time, he needs to earn that by consistently showing he is trustworthy over a long period of time. But even though she may not trust him yet, that doesn’t mean she has to feel hate, betrayal and other negative emotions.  In the end, the wives I have helped have been very grateful to be free of these accusing feelings. It put them in a better position to actually help their husbands heal.

Here is a quote by Terry Warner, author of “Bonds That Make Us Free”

Our emotional problems are the accusations we make of others now.  They are not scars from the past but actions in the present.  They are actions of portraying ourselves as having been scarred in the past.

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