Posted by: Arden Compton | December 15, 2009

The lure of forbidden sex

As I have worked with pornography addicts, one of the beliefs that triggers pornography cravings is the idea that somehow forbidden or illicit sex is more exciting, or more fun & desirable.  This idea is reinforced by the media in many movies, songs, and so forth.  Sexual abstinence outside of marriage is portrayed as being boring, unexciting. While there may be some initial excitement because a person is doing something “taboo,” after a while the addict needs to expose himself to even more erotic material to achieve that level of excitement; what used to be exciting is now old hat, now they need something even more stimulating. This is because what they were hoping to get out of it they never really got. Viewing pornography is like buying an empty bag of potato chips. There may be the smell of chips, there may be some salt and crumbs and the bottom of the bag, but thinking you really got some chips is just an illusion. But since it smelled like chips, you buy another bag… that turns out to be empty. Forbidden sex isn’t more exciting, it always leaves one unfulfilled, looking for more, not quit satisfied.

On the other hand, in a healthy marriage, appropriate sexual relations really do deliver. There really is an expression of love and acceptance. Sex inside of marriage can also be very exciting, very passionate. If the couple works to keep the love in their marriage alive, the sexual relationship will be the real bag of chips where you really get what you think you are getting. If a couple lets their relationship deteriorate, then sex can become old and boring. But that doesn’t have to happen, it shouldn’t happen. God created men and women with a sex drive, he wants us to enjoy sexual intimacy with our spouse in the right place at the right time. Sex can be like a fire in the fireplace.  A fire in your home’s fireplace can be good – it can provide light, warmth, and be part of a happy, cheery atmosphere. However, if you let the fire out of the fireplace, just role one of those burning logs across the front room carpet, and what was good now becomes very destructive and very dangerous.

When coaching someone with a pornography addiction, I will run the phrase past them, “Forbidden sex is more exciting,” and ask them if it feels true or false. If it feels true, I ask them to put the trueness of it on a scale from 0-10, 10 being very true.  We then begin tapping with a set-up phrase something like:

“Even though forbidden sex is more exciting, I still love and accept myself….” We then go through the tapping points focusing on this idea, repeating reminder phrases like, “more exciting,” or, “hoping for forbidden sex,” or, “sex in marriage is boring.”  We then go through the points focusing on correct principles with reminder phrases like, “forbidden sex always leaves me wanting more,” “it leaves me unfulfilled,” “It’s not giving what I am hoping it will,” “It’s like an empty bag of chips that never quite delivers,” “it leaves me full of guilt, shame, and darkness,” “It isn’t worth it, it’s just a mirage that is enslaving me. I choose to see if for what it is, a trap. I ask the pleasure center of the brain to let go of the idea that forbidden or illicit sex is more exciting, fun, or desirable. The truth is it is ruining my life, destroying every good relationship. I turn this over to God and ask him to remove the desire of forbidden sex from my heart.”

After this round of tapping, I review the statement, “forbidden sex is more exciting.”  Does it land just as true or different? If it still lands true, then assess why. There could be a specific memory that needs to be addressed. There could be a movie that conveyed this idea, or some other life experience that conveyed this idea that needs to be tapped out.  Keep tapping on it from every angel you can think of until it no longer sound or feels like a true statement.  This might take one or two round of tapping, or might take a few days or weeks depending the persons experience.  In the end it can be cleared, and with it a significant trigger to pornography.

If you have any comments or questions, feel free to contact me.

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